Uncertainty ...

I won’t be posting regularly for a while as Neil’s in hospital with pneumonia. 

It started off as a right lung infection, which was diagnosed Feb 3rd; saw his doctor again this Monday and she sent him off to the Acute Medical Unit at the hospital for further tests, and he was admitted with pneumonia in the right lung.  Tuesday evening, he was having difficulty breathing and was taken to the Intensive Treatment Unit (ITU) for more oxygen.  Wednesday morning (yesterday), the nurse phoned to say that the doctors wanted to do a more detailed scan of his chest, and they were going to put him under heavy sedation.  Boys and I had a quick chat with him over the phone. 

I went to the hospital in the afternoon, he was already asleep, and the nurses were about to start getting him ready for the scan.  Had a talk with the doctor who said the pneumonia was in both lungs with a build-up of pus around the right side, which they were in the process of draining.  Was a bit of a shock seeing the various tubes – one down his throat, a smaller one up his nose, and various tubes for the meds, and the chest drain; he’s also hooked up to a machine monitoring his vitals.

Boys came with me today, and handled seeing him quite well though both admitted it was a shock to begin with, but they were ok.

He now has 2 chest drains in to try and get all the pus out.  He’s still under sedation, but the nurse said they bring him out of it for a while, which they’ll do daily, to check his reflexes and his understanding, both of which are good.  They’ll keep him sedated for another day or so, after which they’ll remove the ventilator to see how well he can breathe on his own.

Overall, there’s no improvement as such, but, equally, he hasn’t deteriorated either.  It really is a case of taking each day as it comes.

I'm not sugar-coating anything when I talk to the boys about it, and they seem to be handling it ok.  Obviously they care, but I know that it’s all coloured by his lack of being a dad to them.  As Hatty said, it is what it is, and I am not going to tell them how they should or shouldn’t be feeling.

As for me, shame I can’t ‘hear’ the same advice I give to the boys because I can’t help but feel guilty that my level of worry is more for a friend than for a husband.  And the guilt increases because I’m in the throes of feeling things I shouldn’t be feeling …

For the most part, I’m fairly ok about it but do have little scared moments every now and then … try not to but sometimes can’t help imagining the worst case scenario.  Thing is, we have our defined roles in that I’m the ‘home’-keeper who sees to the kids and the house, and he’s the one who takes care of the practical things like repairs, bill-paying etc.  Spent this morning going through paperwork and making notes of when things are due, like tax disc, insurances and such like.  I get panicky thinking about how I’m going to handle it all as I’m not very good with stuff like that … but I know I’ll be ok; apart from having to be ok, I also have friends who’ll make sure I am.

Well, that’s it really, can’t think of anything more to say.  If I do post, it probably won’t be on my regular days, and may be kind of random.  Take care, my blogging friends.