Love and Trust in the Time of Divorce
“No experience is wasted. Everything in life is happening to grow you up, to fill you up, to help you to become more of who you were created to be.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
08 July 1989
In an ideal world, today we should be celebrating 26 years of marriage. Instead, for me, it marks one year, more or less, since I decided I’d had enough.
Enough of living a lie. Enough of denying myself. Enough of wishing, hoping things were going to change. Enough of having my trust, my love swept aside like yesterday’s news.
Still, I held out hope that the man I’d married would find his way out of the slough of inebriation he was sinking into. The man who, once upon a time, knew what it was to be responsible and took pride in it, who would have stood up and done the right thing. Who would have done all in his power to make this ‘end’ as painless as possible, if not for us, then for his children. Because, once upon a time, they were the world to him.
Instead, he’s taken on the mantle of victim and thrown himself into the role, almost with relish. Because I made the decision to end the marriage, some, including him, have thought this is an ‘easy’ process for me. It isn’t.
Monday saw us at court for the first hearing before a district judge. Our case is to resolve financial matters; there are no custody issues as the boys are now adults, and so we are not required to be in a court room with all the adversarial guff that entails. And Monday’s hearing was purely administrative, where the judge looks over the preliminary paperwork listing the documents that both sides have requested, and decides whether or not they should be produced. We were in and out of his office, it seemed, in a heartbeat, it was that straightforward.
We each, with the solicitors’ advice, had set out questions for the other to answer, to do with our respective finances. With one of the questions he set out for me, he has crossed the line. No longer can I entertain any thoughts of us remaining friends. By asking one question which he knows the answer to. By bringing up what is probably the most horrible, most painful time of my life – the loss of my mother. Any smidgen of trust has been completely destroyed.
But there is still trust in my life. And love. My beautiful friend, Jennifer, made sure she was free to drive me to court. And she’d prepared a ‘care package’ – a bag packed with a bottle of water, a choc-fruit bar, 2 packs of tissues, a new pen, notebook, and a plastic folder. It’s been a long time since I felt so mothered. As if that wasn’t enough, she’d also booked a table for us – her and me, the boys and her daughter – at our favourite sushi restaurant so I wouldn’t have to worry about cooking dinner, or being in the same house as him after court. (Yes, despite being in the throes of a divorce, we are all still living in the same house.) And she paid!
Monday into Tuesday was hard. I felt so drained, my brain was like mush. And it had been a long, long time since I cried so much. I’d read somewhere that going through a divorce is like going through a bereavement. According to Felix Economakis, a psychologist and relationship expert, the end of a relationship has a number of stages similar to grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I can attest to that. I thought it would take me a long while to get back up after Monday. But, to my pleasant surprise, by the time I left Liam at the stables on Tuesday morning, I felt fine. Happy. My heart still full of love.
This past year, I have discovered meditation in a big way. And it has helped. There are so many different ways of doing it – Youtube is great for exploring, and finding one that resonates with you. For someone who was brought up in the Hindu religion, and who loves it, imagine my surprise to find the one I resonate most with is Archangel Michael!! I am proud to say he is my hero. (If religion is not your thing, not all meditation has religious connotations, so please do still think about giving it a go.)
A friend said that “trust comes into play when one depends on the other”, and it doesn’t feature when neither relies on the other. At the time, I disagreed. But now I see the truth in that statement. Yet trust isn’t only for people in a relationship. When you let someone in your life and call them ‘friend’, trust is an intrinsic part of the ‘package’. I trust my friends. When that trust is questioned, they become acquaintances. If they cross the line, they become nothing. If a person is a constant in your life, there has to be trust. Without trust, no matter how hard you try, you can never completely ‘be yourself’. Without trust, you spend your time questioning things they’ve told you; it messes with your peace of mind.
I said the other day that I am too open and trusting, that I put too much of myself ‘out there’. Consequently, I’ve misread things, misconstrued words – thinking them to be more than ‘simple words’, realising now that the way the words are used does not make me special … and maybe I should rein myself in. I know now that I cannot, and will not, change myself. If it means I leave myself open to being hurt then so be it. I know now that I am strong enough to work through whatever I have to work through.
I no longer say, “I wish this or that had never happened”. Because all that has happened – the wonderful, the good, the bad, the horrible – all of it has shaped who I am. Has helped me grow to step into my authentic self. Not so long ago, I was afraid of being alone, of facing ‘life’ on my own. But no more. Because I know now I am not alone, and I never will be. I have my boys, I have my friends … and I have so much more.
To anyone reading this who is going through a divorce – whether you’re thinking about it, just started, mired in the middle, or nearing the end – you will get through it. This is a hard thing to do, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But life does get better. Believe in yourself, stay true to yourself. And, regardless of whatever is happening, try and stay happy …
"Be happy now. Don’t wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future…” ~ Earl Nightingale.
“Be of good cheer. Do not think of today’s failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.” ~ Helen Keller.